Change of Relationships

A piece by Anne Waters – 2016

There are two ways to change relationships. The first is to cut a relationship out of our life, the second is to change the way we relate, either to a single person or to people in general.

Leaving or cutting off a bad relationship is drastic but sometimes necessary.

The second and often harder way to change a relationship is to change the way we behave in the relationship. We may change by listening more, by holding back criticism or, perhaps, by showing more appreciation and affection.

What makes these changes hard is because when we change how we act, we also change ourselves.

As a young person, I wanted to be honest with myself and others. My natural self was detached, unfriendly and unsure. Unless I already had a good relationship with someone—usually indicated by them—I saw no reason to pretend interest or caring. I did not smile at strangers. I never hugged anyone. I was proud of being cold (a very strange reason for pride!). As you have guessed, this didn’t work out very well for me or make me happy.

In GROW, I learned to hug even though it made me feel dishonest. It took a long time for me to feel other than awkward when I hugged.  I learned to show liking even though it wasn’t spontaneous. Eventually, I began to really feel it especially as people showed me liking back.

Over the years, I have learned to laugh and say nice things. It no longer feels phoney. It isn’t phoney because I really do like people and there is always something good one can say.

When I feel critical, I ask myself how important is my comment? What do I expect to accomplish with it? And finally, how is the best way to say it. I will never be completely at ease with people but I have friends and a loving family.

This would never have happened if I weren’t willing to change my attitude and behaviour.