Join us on FacebookGROW 12 Step Program – Step 4
We acknowledged our gifts and our strengths (new wording). We made personal inventory and accepted ourselves (original old wording). A contribution titled Art & Therapy by Ann Waters (Hawaii) on Step 4 of the GROW 12 Step Program. This piece also appears in Soul Survivors 3.
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I cannot find my true self by looking in the mirror to check my wrinkles and sags. Still less can I find myself through churning over old slights and past failures, by checking the condition of my feelings and wondering what people think of me. Do they look down at me? Do I feel angry, hurt, depressed? Why am I not happy?
The old saying, that one has to lose oneself to find it, is quite true. I am most truly myself when I am engaged in people, things or ideas outside of myself. I am happiest when I find the world more interesting than ME. I am happiest when I am not even thinking about happiness. Painting is one of the ways I find this unlooked for happiness.
Cattle Egret by Ann Waters
I have always been able to lose myself in drawing or sculpture. In the past five years I have returned to painting, both watercolors and acrylics. I do have some skill but am far from being an accomplished artist. My paintings will never bring me fame or immortality. Even knowing my limitations, painting has deepened my appreciation for life. I find myself really looking at small things: the light coming through a leaf, the veins on a petal. I see color more clearly. I am surrounded by green. But when I really look, it is actually a thousand shades and colors of green. I see not just a tree, but the line and thrust of its branches, the pattern of light and shade, the texture of the bark. When I took up painting, I realized that I never really see what I am looking at until I consciously look at what is before my eyes instead of depending on the preconceived ideas in my head. Without this focus, I am only painting flat, stereotypes.
Looking and struggling to represent an echo of the marvels that surround me takes concentration. Time, my worries, and my body disappear. Whether I am satisfied with the work I have done or not, I am refreshed. I have had a vacation from self yet feel more myself. I have paid homage to the ordinary wonders with which we are all gifted.
One day a week, I paint with a group of people who, like myself are immersed in their art. We talk, we praise each others work, and occasionally offer suggestions. It is an easier companionship than just sitting around being social. We share the same passion. We care about each other. Several times a year we have a show of our work. But it is the doing, not the showing that is important. Friendship comes from looking in the same direction, not looking at each other.
I think the biggest obstacle to my return to painting was fear of failure. We live in a world where success, fame and perfection are most valued. Most of us can never attain any of this. This is particularly true when we are just learning. The only way I can paint is not to worry about whether I do well or not. Not feel a fool for trying. To value the doing more than the product. When I stop worrying about failure or success, I am free to simply be in the moment. I do my best and that is enough.
Is art therapy? I don’t believe it is in the sense that someone can analyze your work and tell you what is wrong with you. Does art improve people’s lives. The answer is yes. I think art, music, dance, drama, crafts and photography are all ways of getting outside of yourself. They are different, creative ways of engaging the world. They promote imagination and new ways of thinking as well as the companionship of like-minded people. Everyone has many talents. Inarticulate, people and people with poor scholastic skills often have very valuable abilities; abilities that are not measured in IQ tests. What is absolutely true is that any talent that is unused and undeveloped is wasted. Whatever talents we have require many, many hours of practice and dedication. Is this effort, time and- yes- frustration worth it ? Is it worth doing your best even when you can never be the best? YES!