“I was driving home with my three kids. They were fast asleep on the back seat when I felt it again. This big hole in my chest opened up again and I couldn’t bear it anymore. By this time, I was regularly self-harming, but it wasn’t working anymore. The tension didn’t stop building inside me. There was this road home; a straight road with a corner and a wall at the end. My mom and dad were sick and getting old. They would not be able to look after my children. I could not leave them with their abusive alcoholic dad, because I knew he would ruin them altogether. It seemed that the safest thing was to bring them with me and this was the right moment. I floored the car, tears falling down my face and I just kept looking at my kids in the mirror. In the last second, by the grace of God, my foot came off the pedal and I barely made that corner… As I came around, I was scared to death, but that hole in my chest was still there.
When we got home, I acted as normal. The kids went straight to bed. My husband was in the living room. When you are in this kind of state, you are your own most hated enemy. I told myself that if I was a good person, my life would be different. I would not be in an abusive relationship. My kids would not have all these issues in school. I would be a better daughter, a better mother, and a better wife… I tried so hard to be there for everyone that I never actually attended to myself. I wanted to punish myself for what have done. The negative thoughts in my head became unbearable once again and I needed to release. Two days later, I ended up in a psychiatric unit. In there, I got to know about Grow Mental Health. Getting to know them was the first step of my long recovery. I learnt how to re-programme my thought patterns to be able to build a better and more compassionate self. I am now divorced. I am involved with a local school the parish and I volunteer with Grow weekly. I am certain that would not be here today without their program and my group and for that, I will be forever grateful.”
This story was highlighted by GROW Mental Health and Expressway. With the number of enquiries to Grow Mental Health soaring by 400% since the start of the Covid-19 pandemic, we need your help to open more support groups and connect with more people who need it most.