Suicidal Thoughts by Anthony

I got a summer job working for a builder. It was around this time that things started to go really downhill. I became very anxious and unsettled at work. I found it hard to interact with my work colleagues and became withdrawn. It was the start of my breakdown, but didn’t realise it at the time.

I constantly thought other people were talking about me in a negative way. I struggled through the rest of the summer but was a nervous wreck at this stage. I didn’t want to answer the door to anyone or talk to people on the phone. In fact, my heart would start racing if the phone or doorbell rang. I would lock myself away not wanting to see anyone or let them see me like this. I even shunned my own family and became increasingly agitated with them.

The hours seemed like days. I was hiding under the covers, hoping, and wishing things would get better. When I had to go back to college, I was literally shaking. I lasted half a day and had to leave but I knew I couldn’t get away from my torment. It was around this time I had my first suicidal thoughts.

A few weeks after this I remember my uncle calling around and getting me to meet my doctor who advised me to go to hospital. The next thing I know I’m in hospital with all these people watching me and analysing me. I felt I would never recover and get out.

While I was in hospital, I thought an awful lot about ending my life. I was in hospital for six weeks, (it might as well have been six years). I suppose I recovered enough to be discharged but things still weren’t great.

After leaving hospital I took an overdose of tablets. I was brought into hospital again. I was only in there for a week. When I told the doctor, he gave me an injection. After the injection, things started to take an upturn. I started feeling really good about myself and I left hospital feeling really confident, elated actually. I was really buzzing. It felt great. I believed all my problems were solved. I believed everything was going to work out for me. However, after only a matter of weeks, things changed dramatically. Almost as suddenly as I had gotten all this self-belief, it went. Suddenly my mood took an extreme drop. I ended up in hospital again but I was only there for 4 days. On the fourth day, I jumped out of a hospital window trying to end my life. I woke up about 3 days later in the general hospital with a broken arm and badly damaged knee. I had shattered the bones in my ankles and had several other injuries. I was unable to walk for about 5 weeks. I eventually got physically well enough to leave and go home 7 weeks later.

Soon after this, I decided to see a counsellor. I found it very difficult at the start to talk about my thoughts and feelings. However, over time this became easier. I learned a lot about myself during this time. I found visiting the counsellor to be extremely beneficial. It was my counsellor who told me about GROW Mental Health support groups.

I did not know anything about GROW really. So one day I went to see Tess, the local GROW Support Worker. She encouraged me to come along to a meeting. She advised me to stick with it for a few weeks to check it out. My first impression of the group was that it was a caring and understanding group of people. Members gave good and sensible advice to each other. Each week someone tells their personal story.

Every week each member chooses a task to complete for the following week. It’s a bit like a personal goal to aim for each week. I think the idea of getting a practical task is a good thing. It gives you motivation and determination, a kind of pressure, but a good pressure to do something positive for yourself.

The fact that I could still get up or do something no matter how bad I was feeling really opened my eyes and made me realise there was always hope.